They say being a writer is a very lonely life. Some people would make this sound so dramatic, as if it is not okay to be a loner. What if you choose to be lonely? I mean, what if you really just like being on your own and do not want to be around people all the time…

I know that I use to love being around people all the time. If I was on my own, it used to be the saddest time of my life. I never wanted that time for being on your own at home, just having me time. That was the big drive for starting a family, and getting married at a relative young age. Then after a ten years marriage I had a divorce, I should have had actually after the first five years, but I held on for a few reasons and the fear of being all alone again. After the separation, I lived on my own in a one bedroom flat. The first month was not that bad, but I missed having my children around. Then I started going out and my life changed into a social roller-coaster. I met someone during this period and I was not alone anymore, and I thought happy at that time. Things didn’t go as planned, and I ended up on my own again. At least by that time I already scaled down on the social life, and I also refrained from using alcohol. This was a very sad time but, as the divorce was finalised I had rights to see my children again, and they were able to visit me for weekends.

As I started with all my old hobbies, and even tried new ones, things got allot easier and I started to enjoy being on my own. More freedom, and more time to think and do what I want to do. I also had time to focus on my health, lost weight, and exercised again like I did before when I was young.  Then it all happened that I started writing again. Something I used to love doing with all my heart, and I was good at. A way to express myself with words, in a structure I can’t find to voice. Just remembering the passion I had for dreaming up intense stories, and building my characters, plotting the drama out in my head. Then having the most enjoyable nights of putting pen to paper, extracting all these dreams out of my head. I used to write with pen, but I can remember building up my own computer while at school still, opened up a whole new world for me.

Now during the day, as I am with people, I sometimes can’t wait to get behind my laptop to start writing. If someone wants to go out, or do something, I think of excuses not to, go because I want to write. I choose to be alone now; because that is the time I can write. I can live in my dream world and express myself. I can’t imagine living with someone again, at this time.  I am actually longing for the romantic drama in my dream world, but I’m avoiding relationships in real life, like it is an infection. I am scared of having my dreams infected, one by one. I can really say that I am scared of being not alone any more.

People might not understand. Loneliness to me, is like the ultimate desire to create a world of inspirational literature. Literature to me is my way to expression, reinventing and displaying myself to the world out there. I do not want to be in a group of people, where words are taken for granted. Sayings are being tangled, and feelings are being trod on. I do not want to tell stories in a bar, where no one will remember it the next day. I do not want to speak, where it is not for me to speak.  I write here in my one bedroom flat, the place that became a home to me, and my writing. When you think of me as a loner again, don’t let it be like a sad thing. Happiness is acquired at junctures not expected. A novel is born when a writer is where he desires to be.

Don’t judge a world that might be perfect…


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